So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
