how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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