think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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