After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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