Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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