When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
