last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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