my phone needs a breathalizer
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
