So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found the puke drawer
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
