I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
