I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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