A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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