there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
