I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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