woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
