My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
