The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
