OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
