well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
