Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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