apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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