Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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