It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
