Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
