This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
