just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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