She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
