I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
