it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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