There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
