Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
