Having a random hookup so left but love u
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."