dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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