Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
