my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
