Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
