I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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