What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
