girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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