I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
