He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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