I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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