why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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