My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Plan B is the new Plan A
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
