I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
