The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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