Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
