Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
