just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
