just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Say something about gay babies.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
