i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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