"it" just moved
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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