I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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