dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize