Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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