Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Randomize
