i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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